In my last post I talked about drawing near to Christ, having His grace be sufficient. But how, how to do this? I am 9 weeks post-surgery. This surgery had a twist, I contracted a MRSA infection. I can honestly say that it was serious enough God sent his angels to sit by my side in the hospital. Since then I have been recovering slowly. One baby step at a time with a team of cheerleaders reminding me to sit down and not do too much. This time I am listening. My body is tired, but strangely my spirit is stronger.
Last year around this time I suffered from what I called a black heart. Andy and I would joke and sometimes call it dark gray, not quite to black. But, I was in the pit of despair. I was far from God and I knew it. I also didn't know how to make my way back to him. I was an angry, self-hating, hurting woman. Low and behold, God heard my pleas. He knew my struggles and I had surgery last March and was granted some time to think. And think I did, and read and pray and think. I continued my thinking and praying and reading into the summer with another small hospitalization, small miracle, and recovery. My black heart had started to thaw. It was a nice, mushy purple gray by the end of the summer. I had moved from asking God why he didn't make my life perfect to how do I come to know God better. How do I crave God? How can he fill my every crack, my every need? How can I seek him so he can fill me to the brim, so I can topple over and share him with others. This is the desire and the fear that keeps me up at night. I know he can fill me, but how? After all, I only have one life to get it right and I seem to keep messing it up. My fear is I will never get it right.
So we've fast-forwarded to now. My black heart has improved steadily over the course of the year. I have tried to stop comparing myself to others, and realized that I am who God has made me. But my hold back has always been, how can I know God, completely know God, if I can not do anything GREAT for Him. I obviously still didn't get it. Then this past week I started to read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp and something clicked. God has not called me to be do awesome things for him or even to be awesome in the roles he has given me. Instead he has asked me to pause and thank him for that which he given me, from the minute to the huge. I too have started a list of blessings and I've felt a shift in my heart, in my soul. It has started to crave giving thanksgiving to the Lord. My heart feels alive again, instead of burdened by the trials of the world, it is starting to sing for joy for the Lord. I am not saying I have all the answers or that I am completely transformed, but hopefully a new journey has started for me. One that perhaps I can continue on without anymore major hospitalizations :) So this Christmas join me in thanking the Lord for the little things. You could even list them out like I am. It might give you a new perspective and feeling of joy in your heart.
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