In my last post I talked about drawing near to Christ, having His grace be sufficient. But how, how to do this? I am 9 weeks post-surgery. This surgery had a twist, I contracted a MRSA infection. I can honestly say that it was serious enough God sent his angels to sit by my side in the hospital. Since then I have been recovering slowly. One baby step at a time with a team of cheerleaders reminding me to sit down and not do too much. This time I am listening. My body is tired, but strangely my spirit is stronger.
Last year around this time I suffered from what I called a black heart. Andy and I would joke and sometimes call it dark gray, not quite to black. But, I was in the pit of despair. I was far from God and I knew it. I also didn't know how to make my way back to him. I was an angry, self-hating, hurting woman. Low and behold, God heard my pleas. He knew my struggles and I had surgery last March and was granted some time to think. And think I did, and read and pray and think. I continued my thinking and praying and reading into the summer with another small hospitalization, small miracle, and recovery. My black heart had started to thaw. It was a nice, mushy purple gray by the end of the summer. I had moved from asking God why he didn't make my life perfect to how do I come to know God better. How do I crave God? How can he fill my every crack, my every need? How can I seek him so he can fill me to the brim, so I can topple over and share him with others. This is the desire and the fear that keeps me up at night. I know he can fill me, but how? After all, I only have one life to get it right and I seem to keep messing it up. My fear is I will never get it right.
So we've fast-forwarded to now. My black heart has improved steadily over the course of the year. I have tried to stop comparing myself to others, and realized that I am who God has made me. But my hold back has always been, how can I know God, completely know God, if I can not do anything GREAT for Him. I obviously still didn't get it. Then this past week I started to read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp and something clicked. God has not called me to be do awesome things for him or even to be awesome in the roles he has given me. Instead he has asked me to pause and thank him for that which he given me, from the minute to the huge. I too have started a list of blessings and I've felt a shift in my heart, in my soul. It has started to crave giving thanksgiving to the Lord. My heart feels alive again, instead of burdened by the trials of the world, it is starting to sing for joy for the Lord. I am not saying I have all the answers or that I am completely transformed, but hopefully a new journey has started for me. One that perhaps I can continue on without anymore major hospitalizations :) So this Christmas join me in thanking the Lord for the little things. You could even list them out like I am. It might give you a new perspective and feeling of joy in your heart.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Hearing God's Voice in my Weakness
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Everybody is weak in some manner or fashion. I often see my weaknesses as faults, areas I need to overcome, change and get better at. Sometimes, in the case of weaknesses, this is true and God does want us to change. But lately, I think God has been trying to tell me something else through my weaknesses. Tomorrow Andy and I are going to the hospital to meet with my GI surgeon. I have a surgery scheduled for 11:30 for her to repair some sort of intestinal distress. This is not my first surgery; it is somewhere between my 7th and 11th. Every surgery I think this is it, this will be my last. I will no longer be a wife, woman, mother who has something wrong with her. I will be a healed woman so I can testify to others how God has healed me and I have become SuperMom, SuperWife, SuperTeacher. Instead, issues keep coming up. The other day, for the first time ever, I pondered the idea of not being healed. Of staying weak, of having this be a life-long battle, trying to live with this weakness and still function as a wife, mother and teacher. Oh my!!!! Part of my concern with this scenario is the admitting to others my weakness. By saying, I cannot fix this sickness, I feel like I have admitted I've failed.
Then the other day I read this verse Paul wrote in Corinthians. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." No where in this passage does God say he will heal Paul, no matter how many times he has cried out in anguish. Instead, God is saying through this, I need you to draw on my strength. Through this I need you to come closer to me. Through this I need you to experience my love and grace. Now I am not Paul, but I'm pretty sure I know how he felt. Really God, creator of the universe, you're not going to fix this for me? You're not going to heal me and make me better so I can be your poster child? For you see, God never asked me to be a Superstar mom, wife or teacher, instead he asked me to draw near to him. In my mind, my weakness is an obstacle to overcome so I could show how strong a person I am, how great I am. Instead God is asking me to draw near to him, be still, realize without him I am weak, not just physically, but spiritually. It is not my sickness that is making me weak, it is my spirit. When I lean on God as my strength and allow his grace to fill me, I will move past my physical weakness. For you see, without my sickness I would not take the time to be still, be with God and it is through those moments that I can draw on his strength and be filled with peace.
Everybody is weak in some manner or fashion. I often see my weaknesses as faults, areas I need to overcome, change and get better at. Sometimes, in the case of weaknesses, this is true and God does want us to change. But lately, I think God has been trying to tell me something else through my weaknesses. Tomorrow Andy and I are going to the hospital to meet with my GI surgeon. I have a surgery scheduled for 11:30 for her to repair some sort of intestinal distress. This is not my first surgery; it is somewhere between my 7th and 11th. Every surgery I think this is it, this will be my last. I will no longer be a wife, woman, mother who has something wrong with her. I will be a healed woman so I can testify to others how God has healed me and I have become SuperMom, SuperWife, SuperTeacher. Instead, issues keep coming up. The other day, for the first time ever, I pondered the idea of not being healed. Of staying weak, of having this be a life-long battle, trying to live with this weakness and still function as a wife, mother and teacher. Oh my!!!! Part of my concern with this scenario is the admitting to others my weakness. By saying, I cannot fix this sickness, I feel like I have admitted I've failed.
Then the other day I read this verse Paul wrote in Corinthians. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." No where in this passage does God say he will heal Paul, no matter how many times he has cried out in anguish. Instead, God is saying through this, I need you to draw on my strength. Through this I need you to come closer to me. Through this I need you to experience my love and grace. Now I am not Paul, but I'm pretty sure I know how he felt. Really God, creator of the universe, you're not going to fix this for me? You're not going to heal me and make me better so I can be your poster child? For you see, God never asked me to be a Superstar mom, wife or teacher, instead he asked me to draw near to him. In my mind, my weakness is an obstacle to overcome so I could show how strong a person I am, how great I am. Instead God is asking me to draw near to him, be still, realize without him I am weak, not just physically, but spiritually. It is not my sickness that is making me weak, it is my spirit. When I lean on God as my strength and allow his grace to fill me, I will move past my physical weakness. For you see, without my sickness I would not take the time to be still, be with God and it is through those moments that I can draw on his strength and be filled with peace.
Friday, April 20, 2012
J.E.A.L.O.U.S
Celia is 6 years old. Two weekends ago her little friend spent the night. We have a rule/guideline that when she spends the night Celia sleeps on the top bunk and when Celia spends the night at her house, her friend sleeps on her top bunk. (Top bunk at your home) Well Celia had hurt her ankle so I made her sleep on the bottom bunk to keep ice on her foot. Needless to say, this caused a huge fuss from Celia. Celia is what I call a HSC (highly sensitive child). She is not an easy-going little person- she loves passionately and she hurts hugely. God has blessed her with an incredible sensitivity to other people's feelings and pain, but she also is incredibly emotional. A lot of the time, I do not know how to parent her. In this case, she became inconsolable even though her foot really hurt and she should not have been going up and down her ladder. We got out our feelings chart so she could share with us how she was feeling and she promptly picked the face picture for jealous. It was a word we had not talked about before, but it was definitely how she felt.
After this incident, I started to think about jealousy. Jealousy does not end with childhood. The bible says not to covet your neighbor's wife (husband) or goods. Easy-right? HA! Without even realizing how, that little black finger of jealousy can slip into my mind, turning my heart pitch black. I can always feel this happening, and when it does, do I turn my thoughts to GOD, asking him to guide them? NO, I start to wallow in my black-hearted jealousy pretending that I have a right to anything. It shames me to say, but people I normally love and cherish get torn apart in my mind just because of that one little word J.E.A.L.O.U.S. It has to be the worst feeling in the world! I completely agree with Celia when she said, "Mom, I don't want to feel jealous." So, why does the Lord let us feel this way? I can understand other emotions: joy, sadness, despair, contentment, even anger- but jealousy? It seems so pointless. In the end, I think Chris Tomlin's lyrics are the reason why we as humans can experience jealousy. When that black finger of jealousy starts to tap on your mind, God wants us to realize that HE is enough. For every thirst and every need, He satisfies my every need. Jealousy can be an awesome avenue for dependence on GOD. The key is recognizing when it starts and praising HIM for meeting your every need, realizing that you are precious in HIS sight and more than enough for HIM. So easy to say, so hard to to, but I am challenging myself try it. After all, most positive changes aren't easy, but this one would be worth it.
After this incident, I started to think about jealousy. Jealousy does not end with childhood. The bible says not to covet your neighbor's wife (husband) or goods. Easy-right? HA! Without even realizing how, that little black finger of jealousy can slip into my mind, turning my heart pitch black. I can always feel this happening, and when it does, do I turn my thoughts to GOD, asking him to guide them? NO, I start to wallow in my black-hearted jealousy pretending that I have a right to anything. It shames me to say, but people I normally love and cherish get torn apart in my mind just because of that one little word J.E.A.L.O.U.S. It has to be the worst feeling in the world! I completely agree with Celia when she said, "Mom, I don't want to feel jealous." So, why does the Lord let us feel this way? I can understand other emotions: joy, sadness, despair, contentment, even anger- but jealousy? It seems so pointless. In the end, I think Chris Tomlin's lyrics are the reason why we as humans can experience jealousy. When that black finger of jealousy starts to tap on your mind, God wants us to realize that HE is enough. For every thirst and every need, He satisfies my every need. Jealousy can be an awesome avenue for dependence on GOD. The key is recognizing when it starts and praising HIM for meeting your every need, realizing that you are precious in HIS sight and more than enough for HIM. So easy to say, so hard to to, but I am challenging myself try it. After all, most positive changes aren't easy, but this one would be worth it.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Living by the Golden Rule...
He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27
Last night I read this wonderful blog post about how you are enough for your children, they do not want or need perfection. Here is the link http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ . The insightful words in this post have resignated with me and really made me start to think. From the time we're little (at least those of us who were raised Christian) we're told to live by the Golden Rule. Well, I can honestly say I try to and that's part of my problem. As a growing Christian, I am constantly trying to love my God with all my heart, soul, and strength. This is a growing and learning process which I have discovered I will never master on my own. I have to let God lead me. It often feels like I am taking two baby steps forward and one giant step back- a giant game of Mother-May-I, which constantly shows me how broken I am, and how in need of God's GRACE/ FORGIVENESS/ LOVE/ HOPE/ MERCY /
HEALING (the list could go on and on) I am. However, it is the second part of this verse I want to ponder on today.
'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
I shamefully and honestly say I do this. I am just as critical, judgemental, opinionated, closed-minded, and hate-filled towards others as myself. I know those words sound harsh, but in many ways they're true. I judge others like I judge myself and I can tell you, like you all, I am my harshest critic! On a regular basis, I mentally rip myself a new a****** for not living up to society's idea of perfection. I often don't even realize I'm doing this. I'll look in the mirror and think, "If only my boobs were bigger, my nose smaller, etc, etc." Or I'll go to a friend's house and I'll think, "Why doesn't my house smell this fresh; how come I can't manage to get our clean laundry folded and put away- it's always sitting in a basket in our family room." Or I'll read an article about a woman who is a mom and teacher, just like me, but in her spare time is training to try out to be an olimpic marathoner and I think, "What the hell is wrong with you, you barely work out once every two weeks!" So my lovely friends and neighbors, I am loving you as myself and that's the problem! We live in a society that is so concerned with perfection we have forgotten that we are all broken. No matter how hard I try, I am never going to live up to what my ideal is and if I keep "loving" others with this ideal in my mind, I will die a bitter, hateful, negative, lonely woman.
After really pondering this for the last 20 or so hours, I have realized it is through the first part of the Golden Rule that you can achieve the second part. Without accepting and realizing that I cannot live without God's GRACE/ FORGIVENESS/LOVE/HOPE/MERCY/HEALING, etc., etc., etc., and accepting these gifts from HIM, I will never be able to approach my neigbors with GRACE/FORGIVENESS/LOVE/HOPE/MERCY/HEALING.
However, in the meantime.... (forgive me Jesus!) I am rewriting the Golden Rule to remind myself of the direction my loving needs to take. Andrea's version is this:
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; "Love your neighbor like your dog loves you: unconditionally, in your face, and passionately."
Last night I read this wonderful blog post about how you are enough for your children, they do not want or need perfection. Here is the link http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ . The insightful words in this post have resignated with me and really made me start to think. From the time we're little (at least those of us who were raised Christian) we're told to live by the Golden Rule. Well, I can honestly say I try to and that's part of my problem. As a growing Christian, I am constantly trying to love my God with all my heart, soul, and strength. This is a growing and learning process which I have discovered I will never master on my own. I have to let God lead me. It often feels like I am taking two baby steps forward and one giant step back- a giant game of Mother-May-I, which constantly shows me how broken I am, and how in need of God's GRACE/ FORGIVENESS/ LOVE/ HOPE/ MERCY /
HEALING (the list could go on and on) I am. However, it is the second part of this verse I want to ponder on today.
'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
I shamefully and honestly say I do this. I am just as critical, judgemental, opinionated, closed-minded, and hate-filled towards others as myself. I know those words sound harsh, but in many ways they're true. I judge others like I judge myself and I can tell you, like you all, I am my harshest critic! On a regular basis, I mentally rip myself a new a****** for not living up to society's idea of perfection. I often don't even realize I'm doing this. I'll look in the mirror and think, "If only my boobs were bigger, my nose smaller, etc, etc." Or I'll go to a friend's house and I'll think, "Why doesn't my house smell this fresh; how come I can't manage to get our clean laundry folded and put away- it's always sitting in a basket in our family room." Or I'll read an article about a woman who is a mom and teacher, just like me, but in her spare time is training to try out to be an olimpic marathoner and I think, "What the hell is wrong with you, you barely work out once every two weeks!" So my lovely friends and neighbors, I am loving you as myself and that's the problem! We live in a society that is so concerned with perfection we have forgotten that we are all broken. No matter how hard I try, I am never going to live up to what my ideal is and if I keep "loving" others with this ideal in my mind, I will die a bitter, hateful, negative, lonely woman.
After really pondering this for the last 20 or so hours, I have realized it is through the first part of the Golden Rule that you can achieve the second part. Without accepting and realizing that I cannot live without God's GRACE/ FORGIVENESS/LOVE/HOPE/MERCY/HEALING, etc., etc., etc., and accepting these gifts from HIM, I will never be able to approach my neigbors with GRACE/FORGIVENESS/LOVE/HOPE/MERCY/HEALING.
However, in the meantime.... (forgive me Jesus!) I am rewriting the Golden Rule to remind myself of the direction my loving needs to take. Andrea's version is this:
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; "Love your neighbor like your dog loves you: unconditionally, in your face, and passionately."
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Momminess...
Our oldest child, Celia turned 6 today. She is a beautiful, joyful, passionate child. Her heart is so big for people hurting, babies and any animal. She feels a responsibilty to take care of everyone. In fact, it is hard for her to separate from this part of her personality. She is always a little "mommy". For example, I just had surgery 3 weeks ago. I am not supposed to pick up a lot or bend or do any normal housework. Just the other day, our scoundrel dog catapoulted himself onto the table to try and eat our dyed Easter eggs when we were visiting at the neighbors. When we got home and I discovered the giant mess our dog had created, I texted our neighbor. She let Celia know that the dog had destroyed all our eggs and how does Celia respond, "Oh no, I need to go home and help Mommy to make sure she doesn't hurt herself picking up the mess." When Lisa told me this my heart melted for my sweet, sweet baby girl.
I can't believe Celia is 6. 6 is starting to get into big time kid. We have moved past infancy, babyness, toddler, and pre-schooler. We are now ankle-deep into school age. How did this happen? How did my beautiful, precious baby become a little girl? My entrance into motherhood happened rather quickly after Andy and I got married. We were not sure I could have children due to my surgeries from UC so we left it up to God. We figured, when HE was ready for us to have a child, we were ready too. Well, HE was ready 6 weeks later and that was the end of our newlywed, only a couple life. After an incredibly long, hard and sickful pregnancy, this beautiful, 6 pound, spitfire became part of our family and I will never be the same. Being a mommy does not completely define who I am, there are many facets to me, but you can never take it out of me. If God forbid, something happened to Celia and Charlie, the momminess would still be in me. I am no longer the same creature I was at 25- I have procreated. Through our love, Andy and I have made 2 more human beings and with that my heart and soul changed. I am a better (although some days it's hard to see it) person because I have to give my all to two little ones. While some days I look back at the pre-mommy me and wonder what I did with all my time or how it felt to have enough sleep, I never want to go back. Instead I am still in awe and wonder that God has entrusted us to love and keep two little human beings here on earth and I treasure the future with them. Happy 6th Birthday my Celia! I love you!
I can't believe Celia is 6. 6 is starting to get into big time kid. We have moved past infancy, babyness, toddler, and pre-schooler. We are now ankle-deep into school age. How did this happen? How did my beautiful, precious baby become a little girl? My entrance into motherhood happened rather quickly after Andy and I got married. We were not sure I could have children due to my surgeries from UC so we left it up to God. We figured, when HE was ready for us to have a child, we were ready too. Well, HE was ready 6 weeks later and that was the end of our newlywed, only a couple life. After an incredibly long, hard and sickful pregnancy, this beautiful, 6 pound, spitfire became part of our family and I will never be the same. Being a mommy does not completely define who I am, there are many facets to me, but you can never take it out of me. If God forbid, something happened to Celia and Charlie, the momminess would still be in me. I am no longer the same creature I was at 25- I have procreated. Through our love, Andy and I have made 2 more human beings and with that my heart and soul changed. I am a better (although some days it's hard to see it) person because I have to give my all to two little ones. While some days I look back at the pre-mommy me and wonder what I did with all my time or how it felt to have enough sleep, I never want to go back. Instead I am still in awe and wonder that God has entrusted us to love and keep two little human beings here on earth and I treasure the future with them. Happy 6th Birthday my Celia! I love you!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Is less the answer?
Today was our first snow day of 2012. As a teacher, I look forward to snow days. Yes, come the end of May I will be cursing my cozy days at home when it's 85 degrees outside and a perfect day to play outside, but for now, I love it! As Celia, Charlie and I hop from one task to another today, I keep reflecting on our life. Since we've had children, it seems like time has sped up. My children are speeding their way to high school even though we've just taken our first step into elementary school. How does this happen? Where did my babies go? How can I slow things down?
Andy and I often talk about adopting more children, but today I realized maybe it's not more children I want (although it would be lovely!), maybe it's time to enjoy the two I have. For you see, I'm a scheduler. I used to think this was a good thing. A happy person is an involved person. My whole life I've heard, get involved, join things, make a difference. And now at almost 32 I am involved, I've joined things, we try to make a difference and I'm miserable. Between work and all our commitments, we have no time. Every moment is scheduled and functional. I'm always telling Celia and Charlie "hurry up" and "we have to go". Maybe it's time I take a lesson from our son and just stand still (which is very frustrating when you're trying to leave). By being so involved, are we teaching Celia and Charlie the lessons we really want them to learn? Is it really that important for me to keep going to school, for Celia and Charlie to be so involved and go to a private school? For us to strive for bigger and better even though that means more work and complication? Ultimately, through my involvement and busyness am I trying to prove my worth to God? Because while I know in my head this is futile, it's hard to change habits and patterns.
So, today, yes we are getting stuff done at home and spending time together but I am also thinking and praying about how I need to change. Is busy the answer, or is simplifying? In the end, I guess the answer lies in what brings peace to my soul, not what society tells me I need to be doing. The question is how do I change?
Andy and I often talk about adopting more children, but today I realized maybe it's not more children I want (although it would be lovely!), maybe it's time to enjoy the two I have. For you see, I'm a scheduler. I used to think this was a good thing. A happy person is an involved person. My whole life I've heard, get involved, join things, make a difference. And now at almost 32 I am involved, I've joined things, we try to make a difference and I'm miserable. Between work and all our commitments, we have no time. Every moment is scheduled and functional. I'm always telling Celia and Charlie "hurry up" and "we have to go". Maybe it's time I take a lesson from our son and just stand still (which is very frustrating when you're trying to leave). By being so involved, are we teaching Celia and Charlie the lessons we really want them to learn? Is it really that important for me to keep going to school, for Celia and Charlie to be so involved and go to a private school? For us to strive for bigger and better even though that means more work and complication? Ultimately, through my involvement and busyness am I trying to prove my worth to God? Because while I know in my head this is futile, it's hard to change habits and patterns.
So, today, yes we are getting stuff done at home and spending time together but I am also thinking and praying about how I need to change. Is busy the answer, or is simplifying? In the end, I guess the answer lies in what brings peace to my soul, not what society tells me I need to be doing. The question is how do I change?
Friday, November 18, 2011
Things I love....
Today is my "baby's" birthday. I can't believe he is four today! I'm convinced that when you have children, time speeds up. I am also continually amazed by how incredibly smart, sensitive and loving my children are and humbled by the fact the Lord has blessed me with two incredible beings to take care of on earth. Really if I was HIM, I don't know if I would have even left me in charge of a fish. That being said and with Thanksgiving around the corner I have been thinking about the things I love, so here it goes.....
The billion things I love:
1. Making lists (then promptly losing them and later finding them and realizing I completed everything on the list without even having the list!)
2. Making a menu for the week and then actually sticking to it.
3. Making my children crack up with laughter over silliness. They are convinced I know how to speak Korean :)
4. How my husband can clean up the kitchen/family room/any room in 15 minutes when it would take me hours because I OBSESS over every detail.
5. How God can not only use my flakiness but planned it they way.
6. When one of my non-speakers can finally speak English and I learn their "story"
7. When you walk outside and you can first smell winter- so fresh!!!
8. Snuggling under my covers after a very busy day
9. Hearing Charlie say "Mom this is the best meal ever!"
10. Having Charlie say the prayer for dinner- "Thank you God for giving me spider man! Thank you God for giving me spider man! Thank you GOD FOR GIIIVVVVIIINGGGGG MMMEEEE ALLLL THHHEEE SUUUUUPPPPERRRR HEEEEROOOOESS!" Complete with hand movements!
11. Celia singing Away in a Manager while Andy plays the player.
12. Squinting and looking at Christmas lights.
13. Snow days
14. Thanksgiving
15. A date with my husband.
My list could go on and on, so I will stop here. But I often get wrapped up in all my "to do" lists that I forget about my "to thank" lists. In honor of Charlie, I'm "thanking" today.
The billion things I love:
1. Making lists (then promptly losing them and later finding them and realizing I completed everything on the list without even having the list!)
2. Making a menu for the week and then actually sticking to it.
3. Making my children crack up with laughter over silliness. They are convinced I know how to speak Korean :)
4. How my husband can clean up the kitchen/family room/any room in 15 minutes when it would take me hours because I OBSESS over every detail.
5. How God can not only use my flakiness but planned it they way.
6. When one of my non-speakers can finally speak English and I learn their "story"
7. When you walk outside and you can first smell winter- so fresh!!!
8. Snuggling under my covers after a very busy day
9. Hearing Charlie say "Mom this is the best meal ever!"
10. Having Charlie say the prayer for dinner- "Thank you God for giving me spider man! Thank you God for giving me spider man! Thank you GOD FOR GIIIVVVVIIINGGGGG MMMEEEE ALLLL THHHEEE SUUUUUPPPPERRRR HEEEEROOOOESS!" Complete with hand movements!
11. Celia singing Away in a Manager while Andy plays the player.
12. Squinting and looking at Christmas lights.
13. Snow days
14. Thanksgiving
15. A date with my husband.
My list could go on and on, so I will stop here. But I often get wrapped up in all my "to do" lists that I forget about my "to thank" lists. In honor of Charlie, I'm "thanking" today.
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